So I finally figured out why my Macbook Pro was barfing and otherwise misbehaving when I plugged in an external display.
When I first got the MBP, I used the Migration Assistant to pull all my files over from my Hackintosh desktop. It did a pretty good job of pulling over all my apps, settings, and files. But it also pulled over some Hackintosh kexts for the mutant display drivers people use to get Hackintoshes to work.
So I found ‘em and removed ‘em. The MBP has been happy as a clam since then.
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